Help Me.

Help me to be a better person. Dont give up on me. Help me to be what my parents thinks I will be. I meant to do great things. Help me. Dont give up yet. I need guidance. Help me. Help me. I'm gonna lose hope. Soon. I'm not strong. Help me. :( 

I'm sorry that I blasted out like an ungrateful friend. 

I can be heartless. Just watch me. 

Shut Down.

I need a friend so badly here. I need someone to thrash talk with. I need someone who doesn't judge me the way I talk badly about people because I think that's the way I can release all the tension I have in this body of mine. Sadly, this is not the way its suppose to happen. I'm a muslim. There's a whole lot better way to release all the negative energies besides thrash talk about people behind their back and complain about how sucks your life is but the thing is thats the best way of all. It feels so much better. I'm going to hell for sure.

I basically now shut down all my emotional feelings towards some people. I just hate them. Seriously, I hate their guts and everything. They just like dont even care about whats going on with me and that's why I hate them. Maybe I'm a bit attention seeker but seriously I need a friend who be there for me and talk to me. Here me out what I'm about to express. Unfortunately, no one does this. I got one friend here that I think I'm close with but seriously I give up because I hate him so much because he's the kind that everyone respect and so kind with others and never shows any hatred towards people. Yeah, thats why I hate him. I dont know whats wrong with me. Jealous maybe. Before this I want to think that he's the person I will rely on the most. He's so reliable no doubt about that and thats why everyone rely on him and because of that I think maybe I'm better alone dealing with my problems and everything. Yeah, it is so hard to be friend with me because I easily get very emotional. Envy. Fuck off!! Maybe I need a girlfriend? Herm, I suck at relationship. Who am I kidding, no one will ever find me attractive. Hahaha. Hell no! I'm so damn fine. Just I'm very picky thats all. Thats why its so hard. Okay, my new resolution. FIND A GIRLFRIEND AND MARRY HER. Can I do that? Herm, duit pun mak bapak kasik. Who cares, relationship does not mean we must use all our money to cherish one another. No. I'm not that person who give everything to satisfy his girlfriend. No. Trust is the key. Patience. Yucks, geli plak. Okay.

"Robbanaf tah bainanaa wa baina qouminaa bil haqqiwa anta khoirul faatihina"

It's not fair.

My life basically is going down the hill right now. My pathway to future is full of bigger rocks and walls that I cant get through. I'm not ashamed to tell that I'm the cause of it. Yeah, pity me. Booohhoooo!! Who fucking cares. Why me? Can u just let me go through this shit hole without any of this fucking remedials and all. I fucking hate this. Why me? Why always me? It is because of my past that I lack of something that I didn't deserves all the success that I had? Hah???!! Is it? If that's the case, I FUCKING DESERVES IT but come on!! Its fucking 3 years in a row now. Could you at least give me one fucking chance to pass. One chance is all I need. I need this. I know you know how badly I want this. Deep down inside I know I can be a good doctor. Well a fucking great one if I tell you. All my surroundings are not helping. My so called close friend here, didn't even to try to comfort me with all the positive words. Fuck me right. Who cares about me? Sucks for you though. Life is not fair I tell you. My so called peers here didn't put enough effort and yet can pass this fucking test. Me? Haha. Sucks for you though, you are always a failure. No doubt about it. You and your miserable life can suck it. I'm an excellent student you know but this condition that I chose for myself is not helping me. My surroundings is not helping. I have to take care of myself and I suck at it. My parents count on me but here I am not fulfilling their expectation. Fuck right? What kind of son are you? They sacrifice a lot and you still did the same thing over and over again. Life is not fair. Get used to it. Hahahahahaha. Sucks for you Azuan. You will never get used to it.